All Our Yesterdays Page 15

  Giustino came and sat down in her room. He looked at her a moment and said she had got very fat, if she went on ike that she would become ike a barrel. So then she thought that she must go to the midwife as soon as she possibly could, before everyone noticed the baby inside her. Giustino was smoking, smoking had now become disgusting to her, she tried not to breathe so as not to smell the smell. Giustino asked her whether she and Giuma wrote to each other, she said no, Giustino said that of course the great Giuma would not condescend to write to her. Giustino on the other hand was always getting letters, the tall, thin girl wrote to him on stiff blue paper with her initials printed on it, Giustino when he received these stiff blue letters would go and hide in the woods in order to read them. Anna asked him to let her see them, he said no, it would not be behaving correctly towards the tall, thin girl, but he assured her that they were very fine letters, she was a girl who was able to write very well. Answering her was rather an effort, sometimes he got a headache trying to find things to say to her, he waited for rainy days to answer her letters, days when the daughters of the Humbugs did not come to the village square. For some time now coffee was not to be had, and Giustino and the Humbugs’ daughters drank substitute coffee in the little bar in the square. The Humbugs’ daughters were waiting for zero hour, the hour when the Germans would land in England. Then the war would be over and Germany and Italy would divide the English colonies between them, and from the English colonies would come coffee and other things, the English were the people who ate five meals a day because they had all those colonies. The newspapers could talk of nothing but zero hour. One day there was a rumour that the Germans had already crossed the Channel in barges, ships like small sailing rafts that moved very fast, the sea round the coasts of England was quite black with men. The Humbugs’ daughters were very pleased and so were the Humbugs, everyone in the village square was talking about these little rafts, they were very very light and they had reached the coasts of England by night, swift and silent as arrows. But the newspapers said nothing about it, and gradually people were forced to conclude that it. was not true, goodness knows how the news got started, the Humbugs began playing bowls again, zero hour had not yet struck,

  Giustino told Anna that none of the Humbugs’ daughters meant anything at all to him, nor did the tall, thin girl mean anything to him, never yet had he fallen in love, zero hour had not struck for him either. He did not write love letters to the tall, thin girl, in fact he said to her in every letter what a beautiful thing friendship between a man and a woman was, the tall, thin girl asked if such a thing could exist and he swore it could. He had found a stanza of a French poem which said: “Si tu savais quel baume apporte—au coeur la presence d’un coeur—tu t’as-séyerais sous ma porte—comme une soeur.” He had copied out this stanza for the tall, thin girl, and so she knew that she had to sit at his door and that was all, nothing more. With the Humbugs’ daughters it was different, he teased them and flirted with them a little. He was not like Ippolito, who walked along a street without ever looking at a woman. Then Anna and Giustino were silent, both of them thinking of Ippolito, how they had found him that morning in the public gardens. And then Giustino said he was going to look for the Humbugs’ daughters, they were so silly that they kept him cheerful.

  16

  Anna left the house to go to the butcher’s shop one day when it was raining very hard. Signora Maria had told her that she must have the meat, she had given her the basket and told her to be as quick as possible, Giustino had locked himself in his room and had shouted that they could go to the devil with their meat. Obviously he was writing to the tall, thin girl. As she walked Anna was thinking of the tall, thin girl, who had to sit at Giustino’s door “comme une soeur”. And yet she was lucky, that tall, thin girl, to get a few letters from Giustino, even if he wrote to her only on rainy days. Giuma had never written to her, there had arrived simply a visiting card of Mammina’s with condolences. All at once it seemed dreadful to Anna that Giuma had never written to her, that he had not even troubled to find out whether the business with the midwife was over. The rain came hissing down over the countryside, the paths were muddy rivulets and the ears of corn were bent down to the ground, whipped by wind and water. She ran floundering through the mud and thought how nobody loved her, they sent her out in the rain for a little bit of meat. She thought how she had neither father nor mother, and how she had found her brother dead on a seat and how she had a baby inside her. But she had not the courage to tell anybody about the baby, nor had she the courage to go and look for a midwife in the town. It seemed to her that she would have courage only for starting a revolution. She ran in despair through the rain. There was a car standing in the village square, a man was just coming out of the tobacconist’s and trying to light a cigarette in the rain. He was wearing a long white waterproof which looked like a nightshirt, and a hat which was all out of shape and dripping. For a moment they looked each other in the face and she discovered all of a sudden that that was the only face in the world that she wanted to see. Then she ran across to him with a cry and started to weep on the shoulder of his waterproof. Cenzo Rena pulled out a big coloured handkerchief to wipe her eyes.

  He took her to the car and they sat talking for a little shut up inside it under the hissing rain, underneath the big stone young man with the badge and the fez. She told him how it had been with Ippolito, how they had found him that morning in the public gardens. Cenzo Rena knew all about it already, he had had a letter from Giustino. He sighed and rubbed his hands all over his face while she was telling him. They went out of the village and the car started floundering slowly through the countryside. Really there was no need to go home at once, he said. He drove with one arm round her shoulders, she was crying and talking, she had no need to hunt for words, she told him everything little by little and her heart grew light, she wondered suddenly whether they were really such great friends, she and Cenzo Rena, she had. not thought about him very often but she had felt a great joy at seeing him, as though she had been waiting for him for a very long time. She told him how Ippolito had been while the Germans were invading France, how he used to walk up and down in his room and fumble in the drawers at night. But it had not been on account of a girl, it had been simply on account of the Germans and France and the war, and perhaps a great many other things too which nobody knew much about, very distant things, possibly. She felt that at last there was someone who was listening to her, when she talked to Giustino or Giuma there was always a kind of doubt in her mind as to whether they were really listening. She had no need to hunt for words, little by little she told him about the baby she was going to have, she looked at him and on his face she saw neither fear nor horror, his face was looking back at her attentively and was sorry for her. She pulled out the envelope that she kept pinned to her underclothes to show him the thousand lire, she said to him that he must come with her one day to look for a midwife in the town, perhaps it might be necessary to hunt round all over the town, it would be so much easier with the car. Then he asked her whose the baby was. She said it was Giuma’s, she did not find it very easy to talk about Giuma. This was what Giuma was like, she said, he had blue eyes, he was always pushing back his hair from his forehead and he had small, sharp teeth, a little bit like a wolf’s. He asked her whether they loved each other. And she said that perhaps they did not love each other so very much, Giuma had the girl Fiammetta as well, who went ski-ing in white velvet trousers. He asked her why they had made love if they did not love each other so very much, he asked her whether she wanted to spend her life making love here and there with anybody. She said she had not yet thought of how she wanted to spend her life. He asked her how old she was and she said she was sixteen. He said that at sixteen a person ought to begin to know how he wanted to spend his life. She said she wanted to spend her life making a revolution. Then he started laughing heartily, he had small teeth but not like a wolf’s, he had separate, gay little teeth like so many grains of rice. He told he
r that there was no question of a revolution now.

  She started talking again about the girl Fiammetta, and about Montale and the café which was like Paris. How was it like Paris, asked Cenzo Rena? It was like Paris, she said, Giuma thought it was really very like Paris. But later on it stopped being like Paris and they had gone more often amongst the bushes on the river bank. And perhaps they did not love each other so very much, she used to feel humiliated and unhappy when she got home. She had realized she did not love him so very much when Giuma gave her the thousand lire, she had found herself with a thousand lire in her hand and had realized that the affair between the two of them was over, and had also realized that it had been a very stupid, poor sort of affair, with Giuma having to give up the idea of buying himself a boat. Before that, she had perhaps almost believed that they would get married. But instead, he had given her a thousand lire so that she might go by herself and look for a midwife in the town. And she did not know where midwives were to be found, there was Concettina’s midwife but she had not the face to go to her. She had not told Concettina, she had not told anyone. He, Cenzo Rena, was the only person she had told, and she didn’t know why it should have been him, particularly. She asked him if it meant that they were great friends, because the moment she saw him she had been able to tell him the things she had been keeping from everybody for such a long time. She said she had not even thought about him very often. And Cenzo Rena said he had not thought about her very often, either. He had thought more about Giustino, it had happened more often in the case of Giustino than with her. But he was glad she had told him so many things. He told her not to go on thinking so much about the mid-wives and the thousand lire, he would take her into the town next day to get this problem solved. For a long time they went on floundering very slowly about the countryside. From time to time she cried but she felt quiet and serene, as though she were washed clean by her tears, as though the fear and the silence had suddenly been discharged from her heart.

  It was late when they reached home, and Signora Maria came forward to meet Cenzo Rena with outstretched hands and half-closed eyes and breathing heavily, so as to join with him in remembrance of Ippolito. But Cenzo Rena’s face was amused and happy and high-coloured from the open air, and he waved his dripping hat at Signora Maria and started taking out his suitcases. Signora Maria asked Anna where she had put the meat, Anna clapped her hand to her forehead, she had not remembered the meat. Cenzo Rena said it did not matter, he had plenty of tins of tunnyfish in oil and some beer too, and they could have a splendid dinner, a wedding feast. Signora Maria said afterwards to Concettina that one did not arrive with such a happy face to visit a family which had had a great misfortune. But Cenzo Rena had always been a little mad, and in reality she was pleased that he had come because he would talk to the contadino about the harvest, he was mad but he knew how to deal with contadini. This time, however, Cenzo Rena did not make himself agreeable either to the dog or to the contadino, he wandered round the rooms with an amused expression, his hands in his pockets.

  They sat down to table, and Cenzo Rena ate spoonfuls of tunnyfish in oil and talked about the war. Anna, now that she saw him amongst the others, was ashamed of all that she had said to him. Cenzo Rena seemed to have forgotten her. But suddenly he raised his eyes to her face and gazed at her with a steady, calm, profound look. Then he started talking about the war again. He did not believe that the Germans had now won, this was a war in which no one would win or lose, in the end it would be seen that everyone had more or less lost. Certainly it would last many years and it would not be at all cheerful. For now there were so many different ways of driving people mad, there were machine-gunnings, carpet bombings, incendiary bombs, all sorts of bombs. And the Germans killing just in order to kill, allies or non-allies, just like that. Concettina sat listening with her baby at her shoulder, and her eyes had dark circles round them and she asked all of a sudden why it was, then, that she had brought this baby into the world. Cenzo Rena told her not to ask silly questions. She had brought this baby into the world in order to love him and give him milk. Babies were not brought into the world in order that they should be comfortable, with plenty to eat and warm feet, they were brought into the world so that they should live the life they had to live, even if it was carpet bombings and want and hunger. But later he told her that if carpet bombings started, she and the baby could come and take refuge with him in his village. Perhaps the war would not reach that black village of his, hidden amongst its hills. Talking of carpets, he said, he was sorry he had forgotten to send Ippolito the Smyrna carpet he had promised him. He spoke of Ippolito without lowering either his eyes or his voice, he spoke as though Ippolito were alive and in the next room. Only just for a moment did he take off his glasses and rub his open hand over his eyelids and his face. Then his face reappeared, redder than before and as it were sleepy-looking. He was sorry now that he had made ink-stains on the carpet Ippolito was fond of, he was sorry he had taken the dog away from him when he wanted to go out shooting. And he was also sorry that he had said some unkind words to him. He wished he could be there in front of him again so that he could say some quite different words to him. He would never forgive himself for the unkind words he had said to him. He had said unkind words to him because he had imagined that by doing so he could help him to become a free being. But on the contrary, he had not helped him, he had merely humiliated him, he could still see that twisted smile of his. Emilio then said that Ippolito had been a free being, he had himself chosen the day of his own death. But Cenzo Rena said that a man had not the right to choose the day of his own death. And in any case Ippolito had not made any choice at all, he had allowed himself to get all tied up by his own thoughts, so that he had been killed by them. He died strangled by his own thoughts, he was dead even before he sat down that morning in the public gardens. Emilio then asked whether a man who did not think was a free being. And Cenzo Rena told him not to ask silly questions. The man who accepted the life he had to live was free. The man who made health and wealth out of his own thoughts was free, not the man who made them into a noose to strangle himself with. Then he began to yawn and stretch himself, waving his long arms, and he said he was going to bed. Emilio asked Concettina whether this fellow would be staying long at Le Visciole, he did not care for him very much, he knew quite well that he was silly but he didn’t much like being told so to his face. And Concettina told Giustino to do what Cenzo Rena did when his drawers were scratching him. But Giustino said he did not know how to do it, it was Emanuele who knew how to do it. Besides, he didn’t think it was right to laugh at a person the moment he had left the room.

  Next morning Giustino went to look for worms, because he hoped to go fishing with Cenzo Rena in the afternoon. He collected a quantity of fine long worms, but in the afternoon Cenzo Rena said he was going with Anna into the town to buy her a watch, he wanted to give her a present and had noticed that she hadn’t a watch. Signora Maria was very pleased, she thought of a little gold watch, of a good make, which Anna would wear on her wrist all her life. But Giustino was disappointed and went fishing by himself, and he did not catch anything and in the end he threw away the worms and started eating big rolls of bread, as he always did when he felt sad. It seemed to him that Cenzo Rena had nodded to him absent-mindedly, it seemed to him that they were no longer such friends, yet it was he who had written begging him to come, and he had been so pleased the evening before when he had seen his car down at the gate. As he passed he saw the Humbugs’ daughters in the square but he had no wish for Humbugs’ daughters that day, fishing with Cenzo Rena was the only thing he would have liked, or again choosing a watch for Anna with the two of them in the town. But Cenzo Rena had not told him to get into the car with them, he had just nodded to him in an absent-minded way.

  Anna and Cenzo Rena drove towards the town, the sun was shining and the road was dry but not yet dusty, the car swayed in the deep ruts caused by the rain. Cenzo Rena said he had once had a friend who was a d
octor in the town, but he did not know if he was still alive and if he still lived at the same address. He said it was better to keep away from midwives, midwives might even kill you, so many poor girls had come to a bad end like that. Anna had been thinking all night of a midwife with the face of Danilo’s mother. All at once she was frightened, she asked what they would do to her, whether it was easy to face death. Cenzo Rena said no, what was needed was to go to a doctor, midwives sometimes did not wash their hands properly. If they could not find that friend of his they could perhaps fall back upon the little doctor with the hair like chickens’ feathers. But Anna said she would be too much ashamed to go to that little doctor, she wanted a face she had never seen before and that she would never see again. Cenzo Rena suddenly stopped the car, he asked her if she really wanted to get rid of the baby. Anna asked what else she could do, Giuma would never marry her and possibly she herself would not have at all liked marrying him, she had made a mess of everything and so what would that baby have if it came into the world, nothing but a mother who had made a mess of everything and had no courage. Cenzo Rena said that no one found himself with courage ready-made, you had to acquire courage little by little, it was a long story and it went on almost all your life. They had stopped at the gates of the town, the tin roofs of the soap factory could be seen. He told her that up till that day she had lived like an insect. An insect that knows nothing beyond the leaf upon which it hangs.